I’m not a stranger to sadness or depression, but as the days get colder the winter blues seem to affect me in a way that makes me want to hide away from the world and hibernate along with all the bears, turtles and bats.
It’s strange to reflect on this while it’s happening as though I’m trying to prepare myself for the incoming waves of emotion and I’m trying to hold on to the feeling of normalcy for as long and as hard as I could; but I know that once I reach the depth of that sadness, I’ll be the only one who could pull me out of it.
I think it’s been a while since I’ve actually felt normal, like sadness wasn’t a constant; I often forget how sadness is almost like a shape-shifter it makes itself look like safety, like home, like a person you’ll always miss and like quicksand it pulls you in until you could hardly breathe.
Winter Blues, otherwise known as Seasonal Affective Disorder ( SAD) is a sub-type of depression or bipolar disorder that occurs and ends around the same time every year, it usually affects people in autumn and winter, but could also occur in spring or summer and the occurrence of SAD is anywhere from 0-10 percent of the population, depending on the geographic region. It causes depression, anxiety, mood changes, sleep problems, overeating and social problems
I keep telling myself that maybe I’ve convinced myself that I have winter blues, that it’s more like placebo effect, but even on days that are considered good, I could still feel the emptiness settled deep within my soul and it’s a hopeless feeling that makes me feel like I’m an actor playing a part in the play I call my life and once I’m alone I melt into this feeling and it consumes me whole.
I’ve been trying to find ways to get back to my old self, to find happiness in the little things, to remember to look up and see the beauty in the way the sky decided to dress itself up for the day, like I used to before I started racing time.
Sometimes I wonder if this is just what it’s like to grow up, that the seasons come around and everything changes too quickly that my soul can’t catch up, so it gets a little lost and bruised in the process.
I’ve always loved the winter, and the way it gives me the space to be alone under a blanket, reading a book or watching a movie, but I haven’t been able to find the comfort in those things because I’m always busy or stressed and I can never find time to just sit alone and not think for once.
So I guess this winter I’ll give myself the space to feel the way I need to feel, because we always try so hard to stop ourselves from feeling, like we should always shut the lid so tightly on our souls and walk around numb, until we topple over and everything we’ve kept shut tightly within all of our walls and layers starts leaking out in waves and we stumble to pick up the pieces, embarrassed to be vulnerable. But, I’m here to say, if you feel this way too that you’re not alone, find your people, your home team and once you do try to let go of the façade, show them yourself with all the pain and grief and love you carry within you, and give them the space to do the same, you’ll notice how alike you all are; maybe a little bruised and tired, but still yearning to feel a connection.