This article represents how hard it can be to live abroad:
The writer insisted on being anonymous
Being a 19 year-old girl living abroad away from family, friends, loved ones, and most importantly, home, can, in one way or another, have its toll on you. Whether it be homesickness or the mere drastic change in pretty much everything around you, you feel a sense of profound disorientation. Add being in a long distance relationship and having trust issues regarding the people you’re newly meeting to that mix and soon enough you will be slowly baking the delicious cake of self-destruction.
You try not to lose yourself in the process of keeping in touch with your family and friends, trying to keep up with the congratulations, the condolences, the happy birthday’s and the apologies, constantly promising yourself that you will try your best to call your mum on a regular basis -which always ends up as an unsuccessful mission because you keep on using the excuse of “time constraints” for not calling. You’re drowning in assignments and god-knows-how-many-words essays but you still believe you can make it all work before the deadline catches up to you. Your significant other, even though you believe is very understanding, still drives you out of your goddamned mind at some point. Being in a long distance relationship can make you feel like it’s eating your soul away. The reasons for that are too many to be listed but if I had to point the most vital ones out they’d be missing them, asking them to not leave me alone, feeling distant to them because we haven’t talked in a long while, and the most important one of them all, is thinking you’ve got a change of heart. You start developing this love/hate relationship wherein each of you thinks of the other as a fucked up drama queen at their best, and a paranoid nasty cunt at their worst. You two fight over and over and over again, sometimes you reach common grounds and sometimes you don’t. You begin to wonder whether going on with it is worth it or not. The feeling that you have let go of the free spirit that you used to be a while ago washes over you and you feel like you’ve finally hit rock bottom. Little do you know that the pit you’re so far in, doesn’t end. Note for the future: each time you hit rock bottom just relax. I can confirm and reassure you that there is another bottom to hit that is much, much deeper than the one you think is about to beat the living shit out of you. Be patient and it will kick you in the balls harder than you will ever imagine you could get hit. You realise that the constant fights aren’t normal and the same goes for that feeling of losing your free spirit so you decide that a change is a must. If you wanted the right results, you must add change to your equation. Here lies the million dollar question, what do I have to change in order to make my life and that of the ones around me easier, happier and more convenient?
I love you. To make the matter a bit more tangible, let’s take contract law as an example, in contract law, consideration from both parties has to be sufficient and not adequate, a concept that I don’t exactly agree with. The way I see it in a relationship, consideration is having a deep sense of love for each other which adds the element of sufficiency to the relationship but does not make it whole. Sufficiency does not keep your relationship going, this is not a contract. Put simply, I love you but is love enough to keep us afloat? You try to remind yourself of why you had gotten yourself into this in the first place. You remember your first few dates, the nervousness, the endless hours you spent trying to find the perfect outfit, makeup, and perfume, the sweating, the roses, the goofy nicknames, the awkwardness, the stolen glances, the shyness, the sweet, sweet scent of young infatuation, and most importantly, the tiny bright glimmer of hope. You remember how you used to look at them like they’ve put the stars in the sky, like they are the reason behind every baby’s joyous smile, like they are the reason summer feels like youth and beauty and forever, they are the reason the sun and the daffodils shine so bright on a Friday morning on a hill back home. You begin to wonder if you can have that back or even worse, if they want to have it back. You think of all the pretty little things that made you two happy and you beat yourself for letting things get this bad even though you know the fault is not yours or theirs. It is how things are. You tell yourself that the world is an ugly place and it does not like it when beautiful things happen. Unfortunately, you two are a beautiful thing.
You reach the end of the page with tears streaming down your cheeks and yet, you still haven’t found what you have to change to make things right again. You beg, you pray for something to hold your hand and guide you through but you know it’s of no use because you’ve lost your faith long time ago.